TOP TEN STRATEGIES TO SURVIVE SEPARATION ANXIETY
It’s natural for your young child to feel anxious when you say goodbye. In early childhood, crying, tantrums, or clinginess - all the hallmarks of separation anxiety - are healthy reactions to separation and a normal stage of development. While the intensity and timing of separation anxiety can vary tremendously from child to child, it’s important to remember that a little worry over leaving parents/caregivers is normal, even when your child is older. With understanding and the right coping strategies, your child’s fears can be relieved.
Here are our top ten strategies that are proven to help with separation anxiety.
1. Read all about it. There are several great books, like The Kissing Hand by Audrey Penn, to help prepare kids for school. Social Stories, like Going Back to School, can also help children understand new routines will help reduce anxiety and fear.
2. Practice being apart. Practice short separations and work toward longer ones. Try leaving your child with a trusted friend or relative while you run a quick errand. This will allow your little one to slowly get used to what it’s like to be apart. For babies and young toddlers, play disappearing/reappearing games like peek-a-boo or hide and seek to reinforce the concept of going away and coming back.
3. Start with a “warm up”. Become familiar with the caregiver or school’s staff, policies, and routines. Visit the new classroom and take pictures of the environment. Make a photo album with the pictures to create a bridge from the classroom to home. Practice going to school and your good-bye ritual before you even have to part ways. If you are about to introduce a new babysitter, arrange some short get-togethers with the three of you before leaving your child alone with him or her. Create a written/picture schedule of your child’s day so that your child knows their schedule and develops a sense of time.
4. Validate your child’s fears and anxieties. Feeling anxious about separating from the comfort of caregivers is a normal response. When children express anxiety, let them know you hear them and understand. You can validate and normalize their feelings by saying: “I get that you feel worried. I bet many other kids are feeling that way too” or "I know you feel sad when Mommy leaves, but you will have a good time, and I will be back very soon.” Each child is an individual and will have individual reactions to separation, so avoid comparing your child to others. Avoid the temptation to pressure your child not to cry or to offer bribes for "good behavior". It’s also important to remember that separation anxiety is often a reaction to a recent event such as divorce or remarriage, illness or death of a family member, or changes in the family, like a new baby.
5. Allow plenty of time to get ready in the morning, and always be on time for pick up. Set up daily routines at home and involve your child in them to facilitate a sense of continuity and predictability. Children often get anxious when rushed, so do your best to give your child extra time in the morning to get ready and to arrive at school on time with the group. Arriving late to school can often spark separation anxiety. If you are late for pick up, it can cause your child even more anxiety and make dropping him/her off the next time that much harder.
6. Establish a consistent goodbye routine that is simple, friendly, and definite. Parents who establish a consistent goodbye routine usually have better luck with successful goodbyes. Special moments between the two of you is a great way to start the day and provide that sense of reassurance. Some ideas include:
8. Send along a comfort item. A special item from home can help your child to self-soothe when they are feeling upset. A favorite book, a few photos of your family, or a small stuffed animal will help your child feel a little loving from home when they need it.
9. Encourage positive self-talk and other coping strategies. It’s important to teach children coping skills that can help them face their fears, calm themselves down, and cheer themselves up. Ideas include:
And if that doesn’t work… Separation is an ongoing developmental process. Even with a parent’s best efforts, some children experience separation anxiety that doesn’t go away or separation anxiety that goes away and then resurfaces. If this happens, you can:
It’s natural for your young child to feel anxious when you say goodbye. In early childhood, crying, tantrums, or clinginess - all the hallmarks of separation anxiety - are healthy reactions to separation and a normal stage of development. While the intensity and timing of separation anxiety can vary tremendously from child to child, it’s important to remember that a little worry over leaving parents/caregivers is normal, even when your child is older. With understanding and the right coping strategies, your child’s fears can be relieved.
Here are our top ten strategies that are proven to help with separation anxiety.
1. Read all about it. There are several great books, like The Kissing Hand by Audrey Penn, to help prepare kids for school. Social Stories, like Going Back to School, can also help children understand new routines will help reduce anxiety and fear.
2. Practice being apart. Practice short separations and work toward longer ones. Try leaving your child with a trusted friend or relative while you run a quick errand. This will allow your little one to slowly get used to what it’s like to be apart. For babies and young toddlers, play disappearing/reappearing games like peek-a-boo or hide and seek to reinforce the concept of going away and coming back.
3. Start with a “warm up”. Become familiar with the caregiver or school’s staff, policies, and routines. Visit the new classroom and take pictures of the environment. Make a photo album with the pictures to create a bridge from the classroom to home. Practice going to school and your good-bye ritual before you even have to part ways. If you are about to introduce a new babysitter, arrange some short get-togethers with the three of you before leaving your child alone with him or her. Create a written/picture schedule of your child’s day so that your child knows their schedule and develops a sense of time.
4. Validate your child’s fears and anxieties. Feeling anxious about separating from the comfort of caregivers is a normal response. When children express anxiety, let them know you hear them and understand. You can validate and normalize their feelings by saying: “I get that you feel worried. I bet many other kids are feeling that way too” or "I know you feel sad when Mommy leaves, but you will have a good time, and I will be back very soon.” Each child is an individual and will have individual reactions to separation, so avoid comparing your child to others. Avoid the temptation to pressure your child not to cry or to offer bribes for "good behavior". It’s also important to remember that separation anxiety is often a reaction to a recent event such as divorce or remarriage, illness or death of a family member, or changes in the family, like a new baby.
5. Allow plenty of time to get ready in the morning, and always be on time for pick up. Set up daily routines at home and involve your child in them to facilitate a sense of continuity and predictability. Children often get anxious when rushed, so do your best to give your child extra time in the morning to get ready and to arrive at school on time with the group. Arriving late to school can often spark separation anxiety. If you are late for pick up, it can cause your child even more anxiety and make dropping him/her off the next time that much harder.
6. Establish a consistent goodbye routine that is simple, friendly, and definite. Parents who establish a consistent goodbye routine usually have better luck with successful goodbyes. Special moments between the two of you is a great way to start the day and provide that sense of reassurance. Some ideas include:
- Create a special handshake or special wave to say goodbye, like a “kissing hand”.
- Leave love notes in your child’s cubby or lunch box.
- When you discuss your return, provide specifics that your child understands. For example, say, "I’ll be back after nap time and before afternoon snack" or “After I’m finished work, I’ll come and pick you up and we can go to the playground and play on the swings together.”
8. Send along a comfort item. A special item from home can help your child to self-soothe when they are feeling upset. A favorite book, a few photos of your family, or a small stuffed animal will help your child feel a little loving from home when they need it.
9. Encourage positive self-talk and other coping strategies. It’s important to teach children coping skills that can help them face their fears, calm themselves down, and cheer themselves up. Ideas include:
- Deep breathing, counting, stretching, and muscle relaxation.
- Drawing a picture or writing down their feelings.
- Thinking of another time that they had anxiety but got through it and it turned out fine.
- Repeating positive statements, like “I am brave, I can do this.”
And if that doesn’t work… Separation is an ongoing developmental process. Even with a parent’s best efforts, some children experience separation anxiety that doesn’t go away or separation anxiety that goes away and then resurfaces. If this happens, you can:
- Talk to your Classroom Teacher and Principal/Program Director.
- Talk to your Pediatrician.
- Talk to your Early Childhood Partners CFCE Coordinator (978-468-5489).
- Work with Early Childhood Partners CFCE to complete the Ages and Stages Questionnaire (ASQ) to learn more about your child’s development.
- Request that your program receive a Mental Health Consultation to provide additional strategies to support your child in the classroom.
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Early Childhood Partners programs are funded by the Coordinated Family & Community Engagement (CFCE) grant awarded to Hamilton-Wenham Regional School District by the Massachusetts Department of Early Education and Care. The HWRSD does not discriminate in its programs, activities or employment practices on the basis of race*, color, sex, sexual orientation, gender identity, religion, disability, age, genetic information, active military/veteran status, marital status, familial status, pregnancy, or pregnancy-related condition, homelessness, ancestry, ethnic background, national origin, or any other category protected by state or federal law.