POSITIVE PARENTING STRATEGIES
Tip #1: Keep Your Expectations Realistic. It is important for you to know and understand your child’s abilities and limitations. Expecting too much or too little from your child can lead to problems and frustrations for you both. A three-year-old child cannot be expected to spend very much time in a shopping mall or other over-stimulating environments. When they become fussy, it is your signal that it is time to leave.
Tip #2: Plan Ahead. Try to anticipate what your child may do or need in various situations. Make sure you plan ahead to set your child up for successful experiences. Don’t plan outings during naptime or mealtime (unless eating is on the agenda). Hope for the best, but plan for the worst. Always have a back-up plan!
Tip #3: Clearly State Your Expectations in Advance. Some undesirable behavior occurs because your child can’t act differently or simply doesn’t want to act differently. Either way it helps to remember that your child can’t read your mind. Be sure to give your child one clear instruction so he knows what you want him to do. Especially before going into a new situation, talk through the experience with your child, explaining how you expect him to behave.
Tip #4: Offer Limited, Reasonable Choices. Most children are not born with the built-in ability to make decisions and then accept the consequences. For your child to learn to take personal responsibility, give plenty of support and practice. Allow them to make choices where either decision is acceptable. For example, “Do you want to put your shoes on or do you want me to help you put your shoes on?”
Tip #5: Adjust The Environment. Try to manage environmental and emotional factors that can make it much more difficult for children to rein in their behavior. Consider hunger, fatigue, anxiety, or distractions. When it’s homework time, for instance, remove distractions like screens and toys, provide snacks, establish an organized place for kids to work and make sure to schedule some breaks.
Tip #6: Provide Countdowns For Transitions: Whenever possible, prepare children for an upcoming transition. For example, give her a 10-minute warning when it is time to come to dinner or start homework. Then follow up when there are 2 minutes left. Just as important as issuing the countdown is actually making the transition at the stated time.
Tip #7: Use “When…Then Statements”. A “when…then” statement is a simple instruction that tells your child what he must do to earn a desired consequence (what he wants to do). Give your statement a positive focus. State it only once and set a reasonable time limit. Follow through and be prepared for your child’s response – it may be “NO”. “When you get your shoes on, we can go to the park.”
Tip #8: Catch Your Child Being Good. How much time do you spend telling your child what he should not do? Instead, try giving specific, positive attention to behavior you want to see again and again. For example, ‘Wow, you’re playing so nicely. I really like the way you’re keeping all the blocks on the table’. When a preschooler waits a minute or two say, “Thank you for being patient. I appreciate that.” Praise makes positive behavior more likely and challenging behavior less likely.
Tip #9: Give Your Child Positive Attention And Spend Quality Time Together. Your relationship is key to guiding your child towards positive behavior. You can build a close and loving relationship by spending time with your child playing, reading, or chatting. Giving your child positive attention like hugs, smiles and encouragement is also important.
Tip #10: Be A Role Model. Use your own behavior to guide your child. Your child watches you to get clues on how to behave – and what you do is often much more important than what you say. For example, if you want your child to say ‘please’, say it yourself. If you don’t want your child to raise their voice, speak quietly and calmly yourself.
Tip #11: Tell Your Child How You Feel. Helping your child understand their own and other people’s emotions is important to helping them cope with strong emotions like frustration that sometimes leads to behaviors like tantrums.
Telling your child honestly how their behavior affects you helps your child to see their own feelings in yours. And if you start sentences with ‘I’, it gives your child the chance to see things from your perspective. It’s best to talk about feelings when you’re both calm.
Tip #12: Stay Calm and Teach Self-Regulation Techniques. Really happy, really sad, or really mad feelings can be hard to manage. When a child can manage their feelings, they are able to show their feelings without losing control. First, acknowledge how your child is feeling. Then, help them find ways of showing their feelings without hurting themselves or others. “It’s okay to feel mad. But it’s not okay to hit someone. Let’s practice asking for a turn.”
When your child’s behavior is unacceptable, you can choose to either respond to it or ignore it. If a reaction is required, acting calm with a minimum of attention reduces the risk of strengthening the very behavior you wish to discourage. Remember, you are modeling desired behavior. When you remain calm, your child learns appropriate ways to respond to difficult situations. Anger is scary, and when children feel scared, they cannot learn anything.
Tip #13: Use A Neutral Time To Revisit Behavior. Neutral time cannot be found in the middle of a difficult situation filled with strong feelings. Instead, it’s when everyone is calm enough to think, talk and listen. Don’t just pretend the difficult situation didn’t happen. Take time to talk about what happened and positive ways to handle problems in the future.
Tip #14: Get Down To Your Child’s Level And Practice Active Listening. When you get close to your child, you can tune in to what they’re feeling or thinking. Being close helps your child focus on what you’re saying about their behavior. It also makes it easier for your child to follow your instructions.
To listen actively, you can nod as your child talks, and repeat back what you think your child is feeling. For example, ‘It sounds like you felt really sad when Amit wouldn’t let you join his game’. This helps your child feel heard, respected, and comforted.
Tip #15: Make Mistakes. Being able to bounce back quickly and tackle mistakes without losing self-confidence is an important skill for preschoolers to learn and is a good indicator of resilience — the ability to overcome challenges. When your child makes a mistake, reassure her that it’s OK, and ask her what she would do differently next time. Point out to her that this mistake allowed her to learn and encourage her to try again.
Tip #16: Keep Your Promises: When you follow through on your promises, your child learns to trust and respect you. Your child learns that you won’t let them down when you’ve promised something nice, and your child also learns not to try to change your mind when you’ve explained a consequence. So, when you promise to go for a walk after your child picks up their toys, make sure you have your walking shoes handy. If you tell your 3-year-old that they’ll have quiet time if they don’t stop throwing dirt, be prepared to follow through.
Tip #17: Decide What’s Important. Before you get involved in anything your child is doing – especially to say ‘no’ or ‘stop’ – ask yourself if it really matters. By ignoring behaviors that aren’t important and keeping instructions, requests, and negative feedback to a minimum, you create fewer opportunities for conflict and bad feelings.
Tip #18: Establish Clear And Consistent Routines. Routines are predictable and naturally occurring activities that occur in a child's day. Routines include caregiving, daily tasks, meals, play, community, and social activities. Routines have a clear start and finish. Teach your child the steps of the routine – you can even use visuals. Follow the steps of the routine consistently. When changes happen, prepare your child ahead of time. Provide positive feedback and encouragement.
Tip #19: Make It Clear That The Problem Is The Child’s Behavior, Not The Child. It’s the biting, hitting, or pushing that you want to stop—or better yet, prevent. Find ways to reassure children that you have not stopped liking them.
Tip #20: Keep Your Sense Of Humor. It often helps to keep daily life with children light. You can do this by using songs, humor and fun. For example, you can pretend to be the tickle monster who needs the toys picked up off the floor.
Tip #1: Keep Your Expectations Realistic. It is important for you to know and understand your child’s abilities and limitations. Expecting too much or too little from your child can lead to problems and frustrations for you both. A three-year-old child cannot be expected to spend very much time in a shopping mall or other over-stimulating environments. When they become fussy, it is your signal that it is time to leave.
Tip #2: Plan Ahead. Try to anticipate what your child may do or need in various situations. Make sure you plan ahead to set your child up for successful experiences. Don’t plan outings during naptime or mealtime (unless eating is on the agenda). Hope for the best, but plan for the worst. Always have a back-up plan!
Tip #3: Clearly State Your Expectations in Advance. Some undesirable behavior occurs because your child can’t act differently or simply doesn’t want to act differently. Either way it helps to remember that your child can’t read your mind. Be sure to give your child one clear instruction so he knows what you want him to do. Especially before going into a new situation, talk through the experience with your child, explaining how you expect him to behave.
Tip #4: Offer Limited, Reasonable Choices. Most children are not born with the built-in ability to make decisions and then accept the consequences. For your child to learn to take personal responsibility, give plenty of support and practice. Allow them to make choices where either decision is acceptable. For example, “Do you want to put your shoes on or do you want me to help you put your shoes on?”
Tip #5: Adjust The Environment. Try to manage environmental and emotional factors that can make it much more difficult for children to rein in their behavior. Consider hunger, fatigue, anxiety, or distractions. When it’s homework time, for instance, remove distractions like screens and toys, provide snacks, establish an organized place for kids to work and make sure to schedule some breaks.
Tip #6: Provide Countdowns For Transitions: Whenever possible, prepare children for an upcoming transition. For example, give her a 10-minute warning when it is time to come to dinner or start homework. Then follow up when there are 2 minutes left. Just as important as issuing the countdown is actually making the transition at the stated time.
Tip #7: Use “When…Then Statements”. A “when…then” statement is a simple instruction that tells your child what he must do to earn a desired consequence (what he wants to do). Give your statement a positive focus. State it only once and set a reasonable time limit. Follow through and be prepared for your child’s response – it may be “NO”. “When you get your shoes on, we can go to the park.”
Tip #8: Catch Your Child Being Good. How much time do you spend telling your child what he should not do? Instead, try giving specific, positive attention to behavior you want to see again and again. For example, ‘Wow, you’re playing so nicely. I really like the way you’re keeping all the blocks on the table’. When a preschooler waits a minute or two say, “Thank you for being patient. I appreciate that.” Praise makes positive behavior more likely and challenging behavior less likely.
Tip #9: Give Your Child Positive Attention And Spend Quality Time Together. Your relationship is key to guiding your child towards positive behavior. You can build a close and loving relationship by spending time with your child playing, reading, or chatting. Giving your child positive attention like hugs, smiles and encouragement is also important.
Tip #10: Be A Role Model. Use your own behavior to guide your child. Your child watches you to get clues on how to behave – and what you do is often much more important than what you say. For example, if you want your child to say ‘please’, say it yourself. If you don’t want your child to raise their voice, speak quietly and calmly yourself.
Tip #11: Tell Your Child How You Feel. Helping your child understand their own and other people’s emotions is important to helping them cope with strong emotions like frustration that sometimes leads to behaviors like tantrums.
Telling your child honestly how their behavior affects you helps your child to see their own feelings in yours. And if you start sentences with ‘I’, it gives your child the chance to see things from your perspective. It’s best to talk about feelings when you’re both calm.
Tip #12: Stay Calm and Teach Self-Regulation Techniques. Really happy, really sad, or really mad feelings can be hard to manage. When a child can manage their feelings, they are able to show their feelings without losing control. First, acknowledge how your child is feeling. Then, help them find ways of showing their feelings without hurting themselves or others. “It’s okay to feel mad. But it’s not okay to hit someone. Let’s practice asking for a turn.”
When your child’s behavior is unacceptable, you can choose to either respond to it or ignore it. If a reaction is required, acting calm with a minimum of attention reduces the risk of strengthening the very behavior you wish to discourage. Remember, you are modeling desired behavior. When you remain calm, your child learns appropriate ways to respond to difficult situations. Anger is scary, and when children feel scared, they cannot learn anything.
Tip #13: Use A Neutral Time To Revisit Behavior. Neutral time cannot be found in the middle of a difficult situation filled with strong feelings. Instead, it’s when everyone is calm enough to think, talk and listen. Don’t just pretend the difficult situation didn’t happen. Take time to talk about what happened and positive ways to handle problems in the future.
Tip #14: Get Down To Your Child’s Level And Practice Active Listening. When you get close to your child, you can tune in to what they’re feeling or thinking. Being close helps your child focus on what you’re saying about their behavior. It also makes it easier for your child to follow your instructions.
To listen actively, you can nod as your child talks, and repeat back what you think your child is feeling. For example, ‘It sounds like you felt really sad when Amit wouldn’t let you join his game’. This helps your child feel heard, respected, and comforted.
Tip #15: Make Mistakes. Being able to bounce back quickly and tackle mistakes without losing self-confidence is an important skill for preschoolers to learn and is a good indicator of resilience — the ability to overcome challenges. When your child makes a mistake, reassure her that it’s OK, and ask her what she would do differently next time. Point out to her that this mistake allowed her to learn and encourage her to try again.
Tip #16: Keep Your Promises: When you follow through on your promises, your child learns to trust and respect you. Your child learns that you won’t let them down when you’ve promised something nice, and your child also learns not to try to change your mind when you’ve explained a consequence. So, when you promise to go for a walk after your child picks up their toys, make sure you have your walking shoes handy. If you tell your 3-year-old that they’ll have quiet time if they don’t stop throwing dirt, be prepared to follow through.
Tip #17: Decide What’s Important. Before you get involved in anything your child is doing – especially to say ‘no’ or ‘stop’ – ask yourself if it really matters. By ignoring behaviors that aren’t important and keeping instructions, requests, and negative feedback to a minimum, you create fewer opportunities for conflict and bad feelings.
Tip #18: Establish Clear And Consistent Routines. Routines are predictable and naturally occurring activities that occur in a child's day. Routines include caregiving, daily tasks, meals, play, community, and social activities. Routines have a clear start and finish. Teach your child the steps of the routine – you can even use visuals. Follow the steps of the routine consistently. When changes happen, prepare your child ahead of time. Provide positive feedback and encouragement.
Tip #19: Make It Clear That The Problem Is The Child’s Behavior, Not The Child. It’s the biting, hitting, or pushing that you want to stop—or better yet, prevent. Find ways to reassure children that you have not stopped liking them.
Tip #20: Keep Your Sense Of Humor. It often helps to keep daily life with children light. You can do this by using songs, humor and fun. For example, you can pretend to be the tickle monster who needs the toys picked up off the floor.
SELF CARE FOR PARENTS/CAREGIVERS
When you take time to care for yourself, you are better able to care for your child. Even a few minutes of “you time” can help you to recharge so that you can parent at your best. Stress causes wear and tear on a person, inside and out. Keep these tips in mind next time you’re feeling overwhelmed.
When you take time to care for yourself, you are better able to care for your child. Even a few minutes of “you time” can help you to recharge so that you can parent at your best. Stress causes wear and tear on a person, inside and out. Keep these tips in mind next time you’re feeling overwhelmed.
- Stay Social. Spending more time at home than usual can take a toll. Reach out to loved ones and friends with a phone call or video chat. You don't need to go it alone.
- Sleep. When your little one lays down to rest, try to do the same. If he’s having trouble settling down, sing him a quiet song that you loved when you were small (one that calms you down, too).
- Use water to relax. As you’re bathing your child, soak your hands in the warm water and give yourself a little hand massage, taking long deep breaths as you do so.
- Keep a journal by your bed. Before you fall asleep, remember something funny, kind, or surprising that your child did today. Write a few lines that capture the memory. If you are feeling stressed or down, you can read through your memory journal.
- Fill your cup. Get a glass of water and find a comfy spot to sit. Let your child know, “I’m just going to sit and (read/think/breathe) while I drink this glass of water.” Explain that you’ll be available once the glass is empty. Children have difficulty keeping track of time, and this is a concrete way to help them understand you’re taking a few minutes to yourself.
- Turn on the tunes! Never underestimate the power of music to change the mood. Put together a playlist of songs that make you feel good. You might create different playlists for different moods (one to relax, one to energize, and so on).
- Get moving. Taking movement breaks throughout the day can help alleviate stress and keep you well. Even if you’re stuck inside, try a few small-space, body-weight exercises like squats, lunges, and arm-raises.
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Early Childhood Partners programs are funded by the Coordinated Family & Community Engagement (CFCE) grant awarded to Hamilton-Wenham Regional School District by the Massachusetts Department of Early Education and Care. The HWRSD does not discriminate in its programs, activities or employment practices on the basis of race*, color, sex, sexual orientation, gender identity, religion, disability, age, genetic information, active military/veteran status, marital status, familial status, pregnancy, or pregnancy-related condition, homelessness, ancestry, ethnic background, national origin, or any other category protected by state or federal law.